Education of Simon Lane Read online

  “Likewise, I’m sure.” How she managed those words was beyond her. If she’d felt sick before, now she really was ill. He stood there, pretending they did not know one another. He spoke as if they had no history. Lilly wanted to scream. She folded her arms about her waist. She had to get out of here. Lilly stepped back as Simon moved toward her, raising his arm and offering his hand in a handshake.

  “No.” She shook her head violently and practically screamed.

  Simon stopped abruptly. “I’m sorry,” Simon whispered.

  Once more, Millicent’s eyes scanned Simon and then Lilly. She knew the exact moment Simon’s fiancé made the connection. Millicent made a squeaky noise, sort of a mix between a moan and a growl, and her hands flew to her chest like the quintessential southern belle in distress.

  “Oh…my…God,” Millicent shrieked. “Oh hell, you’re Lillian Rouilard. You’re Simon’s Lillian!”

  Simon sat very still on the sofa. The only sound in the room was the tick tock of the antique grandfather clock in the corner. His eyes closed, and he thought about the look of realization on Millie’s face and the hasty exit Lilly had attempted to make out the door. Actually, it was more like a mad dash. Millie grabbed her and led Lilly toward the kitchen, while Simon stood numb, watching them retreat.

  At the sound of Millicent’s entry into the room, he opened his eyes. She stood before him with a beer in one hand and a pack of cigarettes in the other. As usual, she had a comforting, gentle smile for him. The expression on her face spoke volumes and betrayed so many different emotions to him—sadness, sympathy, fear, acceptance, and the always-present look that said everything would be okay.

  Millie’s shoulder length blonde hair against her pale porcelain skin created a dramatic, waif-like appearance. Her startling blue eyes, endless blue eyes, were always so compassionate, filled with nothing but love and concern for him. Once more, he wondered what he had done to deserve this lovely woman in his life. If only they loved each other in a truly passionate way. But their relationship was unique, more like a business deal.

  It was all about revenge.

  The wholesome and loving companionship they shared was a bonus. The bond would never be broken, compromised, or disturbed by romantic expectations and lust. Their marriage would work.

  “Take it.” She handed him the beer and he accepted, smiling shyly in deference to her motherly tone.

  “Is she gone?” he asked.

  “Yes. I tried to convince her to stay, but she insisted on leaving.”

  “I’m sure that request went over well”

  “The second she pulled herself together, she bolted. Seeing you was quite a shock to her.” Millicent sat down next to him.

  “It was totally unexpected for me, too.” He took a sip of the cold beer. Millicent removed a cigarette from the pack and lit it, inhaled deeply, and then blew a funnel of smoke ever-o-slowly through her parted lips.

  “I imagine seeing Lillian again so unexpectedly was painful for you, Simon.”

  “More for her than me, I’m sure.”

  “She was distraught,” Millie whispered.

  “That’s an understatement. Oh hell, what am I going to do?” Simon bowed his head.

  “I can think of several things.” She took the beer from him and dropped her cigarette into the can.

  “I wasn’t finished with that.”

  “Doesn’t matter, you generally waste them anyway. For starters, Simon, you need to examine the emotions that you have ignored. You need to address them.”

  “Don’t do this, Millie.” His soft-spoken tone was deliberate, a gentle warning he hoped she’d heed.

  “Before you can go forward, you have to resolve this thing between you and your Lillian.” The fact she spoke without being smug took him aback.

  “She’s not my Lillian.” He enunciated each word deliberately. “Not anymore.”

  “I wish that were true.”

  “It’s over, no going back. It’s me and you, now.”

  “You need to talk to her.”

  “You’re crazy. After what I did, she’d never let me near her. You saw how she bolted. She looked as if she was going to puke on your perfect white carpet.”

  “It is Eggshell Pale, not white,” Millicent corrected him.

  “Whatever. There will be no talks with Lilly, no burying of hatchets, nothing. I did enough damage to her life. No more, Millie. I can’t hurt her anymore. We need to forget this ever happened.”

  “Ah…we’re back to that night. Simon, listen to me, you have to stop blaming yourself. You have to stop punishing yourself.”

  “How can you say that? You know what I did.”

  “You are just as much a victim as Lilly is,” she said with conviction. “I know you inside and out. You made a mistake, but there were extenuating circumstances.” Millicent’s claws were out and they were definitely aimed at Lilly. “If she had bothered to stick around, to afford you the opportunity to explain, the two of you would be together.”

  “That scenario wouldn’t have boded too well for you.” Simon reached for the pack of cigarettes Millicent had discarded on the table, retrieved a stick, and placed it between his lips. He struck a match, exhaled deeply, and then pitched the extinguished match aside. “Are you using Lilly’s appearance as an excuse to let me down easy? Do you want to call off this engagement?”

  “I want to marry you, Simon.”

  “Don’t you mean you need to marry me? Though I have no idea why. Care to tell me today?”

  “Not today…maybe tomorrow.” She winked. Every day he asked that question, everyday she declined to respond with a wink. Simon didn’t really care if she ever confided the secret that drove her to spend the rest of her life tied to him. The woman he loved was lost to him forever.

  “Then I strongly suggest,” he chose his words carefully, “you leave it alone. Let it go. It’s the only way we will be able to move ahead with our plans. Leave my fuck-ups in the past where they belong.” Simon took her hand and squeezed it. “Find yourself a new decorator.”

  “If only it were that simple.”

  “Trust me on this; keep her far away from us.” He scooted to the edge of the sofa. “If you love me, Millicent, and I believe you do, you will drop the notion of being a martyr and for once—for once, Millie—go for the gold. Take what you want and get yours. Be selfish like the rest of us. For once, do something for yourself. Don’t try to patch shit together, because it will never happen. You are attempting to fix a problem that does not exist.”

  “Your past with her scares me.” Millie leaned her head against his shoulder and rested the palm of her hand on his chest. “It was okay when she was just an unattainable memory to you, but she isn’t anymore, is she?”

  “To hell with her.” Simon jumped up and began pacing; then he stopped just as quickly. He ran his fingers through his hair and tried to rein in his emotions. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Millicent.

  “We have always been honest with one another, and right now I know you’re lying to me, Simon.”

  “Don’t ever call me a liar. From the very beginning I made my feelings clear. I never promised what I didn’t have to give.”

  “I know you don’t love me the way you do her. What’s wrong with my wanting to be assured that you are as committed to us—without any reservations—as I am? I have to be sure that you are in this for the long run. What is so wrong with that?”

  “We had an understanding.” Simon bellowed. “Don’t make the two of us something we never were. Don’t delude yourself into thinking the way I feel will ever change. Before I met you, I loved Lilly. When I agreed to marry you, I loved Lilly. The day I die, I will probably, God help me, love Lilly. You knew that. You also knew—know—that I will never, ever be with Lilly again. It is beyond over.”

  “Simon —”

  “You and I understand each other. We support one another. We are good together and will be good for one another.” He placed his hands on his hip
s. “You know without a doubt I love you, and you know how I love you. I’d kill a motherfucker for hurting you.”

  “It’s not about me! I just don’t want you to regret going through with our plans. Not until you are sure that Lilly is —”

  “Jesus, please stop! No matter what I do, I’m going to be the guy that breaks your heart. Here the fuck I am, being laid to the carpet by my friends. I don’t know what you’ve been saying to Parker, but just so you know, it’s working. If Parker Crane makes another crack about my mistreating you, I swear to God, I’m walking away from you so fast, your fucking head will spin. I will not be the son of a bitch here. Keep your mouth shut about me to him and anyone else that I know.”

  “I never said anything to Parker.”

  “Then why the fuck is he riding my ass about you?” Simon flung the accusation out, knowing damn well why Parker was so concerned about Millie. For a moment, he wondered if Millie was aware just how badly the infamous Parker Crane wanted her.

  “Parker despises me. He’s a non-issue.”

  Was that regret in her voice? Millie couldn’t be so blind, but then, Parker totally ignored her in social settings, barely saying more than hello and goodbye to her. Fuck Parker, Simon thought, I have bigger problems.

  “You’re right; Parker’s infatuation with you is a non-issue. The motherfucker could have made a move years ago. He didn’t, so fuck him and what he thinks. Our bigger concern is our deal.”

  “I’m sorry, Simon.” She covered her eyes.

  Simon muttered an expletive and walked over to her. Folding his arms around her trembling body, he pressed his lips against her nose and then pulled back. Using his thumb, he dabbed away a tear before embracing her again.

  “I hate it when we go at one another like that. I’m sorry, Millicent. Forgive me?” He spoke quietly against her ear, carefully and soothingly stroking her back and hating that he had been responsible for her tears.

  “But Simon —”

  “No buts.” He dropped his arms abruptly. “For the last time, leave it the fuck alone.” He moved toward the door. He had to leave before he said or did anything further to hurt her. “I’m heading back to town.”

  “Will you be back?” Millicent walked toward him. Simon held his breath as she approached.

  “I’m just going into town, Millie.” He winced at the harshness of his words and then sneered. This was Millie, and contrary to popular opinion, she wouldn’t break.

  “I can go with you…keep you company.”

  “No. I won’t be gone long. Stay here and think, I mean really think, Millie, about what you want. Can you really walk down the aisle with a man that loves you the way I do? All of this was your idea. I signed on, just as you asked. I’d do anything for you…within reason. Lilly is a fucking non-issue. I’ll never hurt her again, which means I can never be with her again. I swear to you, I am not going to abandon you. I don’t know what your big secret is, and right now, I don’t even fucking care. I swear to you Millie, I will not back out of our deal. Unless you force me too.”

  “I don’t want to lose what we have.”

  “Then let me love you the way I always have. That’s all I can do.”

  Millicent closed her eyes and nodded.

  Simon walked out of the room, closing the door carefully behind him. His father’s words haunted him—Simon had done it again. Without intending to, he was ripping Millie’s heart out, too.

  Again, he thought he was doing something good—giving Millie what she wanted, what she deserved, what she needed. Why the hell was it so fucked up?

  Why the hell did Lilly have to show up?

  “Damn you, Lilly!” He leaned against the door and expelled a deep breath. “How the fuck am I supposed to stay away from you?”

  Sweat spread across his forehead Ah, shit, he thought. He knew what he should do, but he was fully aware he couldn’t do it. He closed his eyes and gnawed on his bottom lip, torn between doing what was right and what was wrong. In his mind’s eye, all he could see was Lilly, his beautiful, wonderful Lilly. He opened his eyes and frowned at his reflection in the mirror hanging on the wall directly before him. Simon shook his head and lowered his head in disgust.

  He was going to be that kind of man.

  He had lied to Millie. A part of him knew, even as he told the lie, that he would seek Lilly out. He had no choice. Simon’s eyes landed on Millicent’s pretty little black Motorola Q. Like Simon, she refused to be one of those people addicted to the more glamorous Blackberry.

  He walked the few feet necessary and stopped within inches of the mahogany desk. His do-good conscience didn’t stand a chance against his need. Simon snatched up the device, pressed the contacts button, and presto, there it was.

  “Yes, I am going to be that kind of guy,” he whispered as he committed to memory the seven digits that would make or break him.

  Millicent stood back from the window and watched Simon drive away. Then she crossed to the desk, sat down, and lowered her forehead into the palms of her hands. She had to think. Lilly was back, and no matter what Simon alleged, her being here would create insurmountable problems.

  Maybe if she shared her secret with Simon, maybe if he knew the real reason, or rather, the additional reasons, that a marriage between them was crucial, then maybe he would not seek out Lilly.

  But was that fair?

  She squeezed her eyes shut and berated herself for being so insistent about Simon going to Lilly. Was he on his way to her now? Millie had come so far. She loved Simon, but she needed what only he could provide more. Reaching for the house phone, she cradled the handset against her temple, weighing her options.

  Simon thought their arrangement was perfect. They melded and would be the perfect power couple. They also had Jamie Davidson Crane, Parker’s ex-wife, as a common enemy who had led them to this moment. Millie was so close to righting so many wrongs.

  Now Lilly was back.

  With the return of the skinny little decorator, Simon would forget about Millie and all she had maneuvered, all she had sacrificed, and ultimately, all she hoped to gain would go up in smoke. Damn it, what was she thinking? Why hadn’t she investigated Lillian’s background? And how the hell had she missed what was so obvious? She knew Simon’s fiancé’s name; it wasn’t like it was a big secret. Where was her brain? Maybe if she spoke to Lilly—woman to woman—she would understand.

  “If not…hell, maybe I should just kill her.” Millicent dialed Lilly’s number, determined to meet with her.

  She had no other choice.

  “Damn voice mail!” Simon was parked to the side of I-65 heading south to Indianapolis. He had been trying to reach Lilly for approximately twenty minutes. He waited five more and tried again. The phone rang three times before she answered.

  “Now what do you want?” Lilly yelled into the phone.

  “You.” Simon jerked back against the seat and uttered, “Shit” under his breath. “I shouldn’t have said that Lilly. Sorry. It was a case of you say hot, I say cold.” He nervously laughed, glanced in the rear view mirror, and mouthed, Asshole.

  “I say dog and you say…” She was throwing him a life jacket and he grabbed it.

  “— cat. You remember?”

  “Of course I do.” Her voice became more guarded. Simon sat straighter in the car seat and then cleared his throat.

  “I assume you were expecting someone else. Certainly not me.”

  She was silent for a moment. “I just got off the phone with your other half.”

  “I believe the term is ‘better half.’”

  “I like mine better.” She laughed into the phone, and Simon literally shivered from the sound.

  “You’re right. I did have better once upon a time. Didn’t I?”

  “Don’t do this, Simon.”

  “Do you ever think about me, Lilly? Affectionately, I mean. Do you remember me the way I remember you? Late at night when you’re alone, do you think of me, even a little bit?”

&nbs
p; “Simon —”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, either.” He rubbed his forehead.

  “I think of you all the time,” she whispered.

  “I made a mess of things, I know that. But Lilly, I…” He took a deep breath, hoping to fasten down on the nausea that churned in his stomach. He had to calm down, steady himself, but his nerves were shot. If someone offered him a million pieces of gold to remain cool and not come undone, he would have to pass.

  “Are you alright?” she asked. Again, her voice was low. He wanted to tell her he had been, before he’d seen her again, but this time, he clamped down on honesty and chose silence, instead. Simon made a fist, pressing the manicured nails on his fingers into his flesh to the point that he gasped in pain. He felt like that kid again, that snot-nose little bastard trapped in the dog cage—helpless and powerless. He wiped away a tear, a stupid move because a shit load more followed in its wake.

  “Shit!” Simon growled in frustration. He was sitting in his car, on the side of a busy highway, crying like a weak son of a bitch. It was a good thing his father was rotting in the bowels of hell and not starring down at him from above because the old fucker would surely find pleasure in this sight. Simon licked his lips and prayed she wouldn’t hang up.

  “Why did you call me Simon? What do you want?”

  “I don’t know.” His response disgusted him. He sounded like a wimp, or worse, he sounded—desperate.

  “Lilly…”

  “What?” she snapped.

  “Nothing.” He laughed nervously. “Nothing. I just can’t believe I’m talking to you. After all this time, I’m talking to you.” He waited for a response, any type of reply, screaming, yelling, accusations, expressions of betrayal and regret. None came. For several moments, he held the phone with an ironclad grip, oblivious to the cars that raced past him.